Being a Grown Up

my lunch today

There is no doubt I've got JD Salinger in my ear. This may turn out a little cynical, a little filled with teen angst, a little jaded.

Kids always fantasize about getting older. "Can't wait!" They say. When you are littler, you fantasize becoming a teenager. Then you get to your teens, you fantasize becoming a twenty-something. Being an adult means I can go to McDonald's any time I want, and order anything I want. I can stuff my face with 10 pieces of chicken nuggets with sauces of my choice, and never have to hear a word of "you've got to share with your brother." (Okay, maybe not. But who am I to judge if that's what you think?)

I don't know who out there has gone through their twenties really thinking it was the best time ever, that it was their golden age. I sure as hell haven't met many of them, myself included. I despised my twenties - so much to prove, so many rules, and no matter how often I was told that I behaved well over my age as a kid, I wasn't at all prepared to be an adult. I stumbled through it, though, and came out alright. But trust me, I wouldn't go back for nothing.

Friend of mine always tells me that he feels "outdated." He and I are the same age - mid-thirties. He's surrounded by younger guys at work and socially, and he feels he can't keep up. I always say: let them dumbass kids do whatever they want. Been there, done that. Ain't nothing so cool.

Perhaps old Salinger struck a chord here. In The Catcher in the Rye, Holden was always talking about people being phony, and how he's so hyper-vigilant against people being phony. This is sort of how I feel my twenties could sum up. Except, I was busy being phony, too. Not in a salesman kind of way, just... tough, you know. I've got more people telling me that I was too serious, intimidating and all that. Often older men walked by and said, "Smile, honey!" I demanded to be taken seriously. I had such a hard time figuring it all out though.

Jamie Cullum's tune TwentySomething captured some of this:

"Love ain't the answer, nor is work

The truth eludes me, so much it hurts"

Then my body gave in, and my mind gave up. My heart was tired, and my soul was lost. But I guess if you were never lost, you'd never be found. Who knew that once the anxiety of losing your golden years is gone, that's when real living begins?

But no one ever dreams of being a thirty-something. You just don't. Once you reach your twenties you dream no longer of age, but accomplishments: career, family, mortgage, traveling, retirement - just to name a few. You might dream of old age if you're not afraid, how you would drink iced tea on the porch in blissful serenity: you've really done it all. But you don't dream of becoming a thirty-something.

I think when you're a teen, you want all the answers. Then when you're in your twenties, you think you have all the answers. Or the other way around. I think after all that, you start to realize that a) you'll never (and no one does) have all the answers, and b) you don't need them. Maybe that makes you openly curious again, like a child. Or you live with what little you know, close your mind and live your life in judgement. But you're less restless and exhausted from chasing the truth.

I can, without a shred of doubt, say I'm much better off now. I may not be wise beyond my years anymore; in fact, I feel like most of the time I act like a silly buffoon. It's not too late to start enjoying life. Not at all. And this isn't being cynical.

See, I did that all by myself.