back to my anti-social life
none of my "friends" ever fuckin' calls me now. no one ever invites me. if anything i'm always the last one to know at the last minute. if i don't make plans myself, i will never be part of the plan unless i provide free food, free booze, or entertainment. yes, i have a bf. and yeah, i don't have a whole lot of money to spend on going out all the time. not to mention i'm always late, and always need someone to give me a morning call just to make sure. fine then, don't call. i deserve that. whatever.
the other day i told a friend that i dreamt about finding her at a worldcup soccer game with a bunch of friends without telling me. i didn't find out about it til it was almost ending, but i was bored out of my mind at home, therefore i went to the field anyway. when i spotted her from a distance, i was caught by surprise. just as i was trying to figure out how i should react, the game ended, and everyone stood up and cheered, and began to leave. still puzzled, i panicked and ran away. [i'm never good at confrontations.] all this time i've been so eager to watch the game on tv, why wouldn't she have told me about a local game? as far as i was concerned, she wasn't interested in soccer, though she did tell me that she wanted to go to some sports game, just to experience screaming on the top of her lungs in a crowd. i mean, of course she is not obligated to ask me, but whenever i make plans i try to include her and accomodate. i wonder why it is haunting me in my dreams. i guess once she has started to go out on her own, somehow at times i felt left out. but maybe i've given her tough times, too, when i had all kinds of reasons not to hang out or what not. to be honest though, what hurts the most about that dream, is the fact that her respond upon hearing it, was "if we were to go together, then we would have gotten there when the game ends anyway." well, what can i say.
i was reading a few close friends' blogs/journals, and seeing the ups and downs they've experienced in the work scene or in relationships. i haven't been active online for quite some time, so a lot of the posts were one or two months old. how close are these friends? is it all just an illusion? would our "mental bond" be broken if we weren't separated by such physical distance, and we have much less of an excuse to now know what's going on in each other's lives? maybe i ought to have more faith in the people i've come to call friends. or maybe it's time to build up that wall so thick and so high that i can stop thinking about all of this, because i would be so sure i do not have friends.
yes, i'm ranting. you can all hate me now.
the other day i told a friend that i dreamt about finding her at a worldcup soccer game with a bunch of friends without telling me. i didn't find out about it til it was almost ending, but i was bored out of my mind at home, therefore i went to the field anyway. when i spotted her from a distance, i was caught by surprise. just as i was trying to figure out how i should react, the game ended, and everyone stood up and cheered, and began to leave. still puzzled, i panicked and ran away. [i'm never good at confrontations.] all this time i've been so eager to watch the game on tv, why wouldn't she have told me about a local game? as far as i was concerned, she wasn't interested in soccer, though she did tell me that she wanted to go to some sports game, just to experience screaming on the top of her lungs in a crowd. i mean, of course she is not obligated to ask me, but whenever i make plans i try to include her and accomodate. i wonder why it is haunting me in my dreams. i guess once she has started to go out on her own, somehow at times i felt left out. but maybe i've given her tough times, too, when i had all kinds of reasons not to hang out or what not. to be honest though, what hurts the most about that dream, is the fact that her respond upon hearing it, was "if we were to go together, then we would have gotten there when the game ends anyway." well, what can i say.
i was reading a few close friends' blogs/journals, and seeing the ups and downs they've experienced in the work scene or in relationships. i haven't been active online for quite some time, so a lot of the posts were one or two months old. how close are these friends? is it all just an illusion? would our "mental bond" be broken if we weren't separated by such physical distance, and we have much less of an excuse to now know what's going on in each other's lives? maybe i ought to have more faith in the people i've come to call friends. or maybe it's time to build up that wall so thick and so high that i can stop thinking about all of this, because i would be so sure i do not have friends.
yes, i'm ranting. you can all hate me now.
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