Adore Me
A few years ago, I read a
blog post from a random site. The author
wrote down a long list of qualities she was looking for in a partner, many of
which I might add to my own. But that
was such a long list, and at the time I was in such a bad place, that I wrote a
comment criticizing how sort of self-centered that all was, and asked what she
might have to offer in return. To my
surprise, I received a response from her that was awfully kind. I might have mentioned this in another post
before, and that’s because till this day, I am still ashamed of my comment. Especially now because knowing what you need
and want, and having hope to find some of these qualities in your special
someone is not at all self-centered, depending on how you play the game.
A couple of years ago I read
a quote on Pinterest that said something about finding someone who makes you feel
beautiful even when you don’t. I really wanted to believe that, but
something just didn’t feel right. I told
K about it, and immediately she said, “But no one can do that; only you
can.” That connected the dots. K
didn’t mean it in a bad way – she only meant that beauty and self-worth were
things we need to seek internally, but what I heard was: it’s too good to be
true. It was like being told about Santa
Claus, then hearing someone say: “Nope. Not real.”
Thereafter, I spent a
great deal of time thinking how I was going to make myself even more
self-sufficient than I’ve already been. And along the way fell deeper
into the well of loneliness. I had a friend
who got up in the morning, looked himself in the mirror, and said to himself
that he was awesome and he would have a great day. I couldn’t pull myself together to do
that. Something was always missing – a void
that longed to be filled, and putting up this strong front that I didn’t need
none of that was tiring.
But the fog is finally
starting to clear now, and I can see a little better. It is possible for someone to make you feel
beautiful even when you don’t. You can
still be loved when you don’t feel that you deserve it. It’s called grace. They just can’t do it without you. More importantly, that someone’s got to be you first, or you won’t believe it in another
someone anyhow. You might even get
annoyed and think you’re being patronized, pitied, lied to, or that you’re dealing
with someone who was plain stupid if you refused to think you’re enough.
Becoming “self-sufficient”
isn’t so much an actionable change; rather, it’s a change in outlook.
It’s not finding a pair of binoculars that will enable you to look really far
into the future or deep into the past, while everything else in plain sight is blocked
out. It’s about trying to look in different
directions with your own eyes. It’s not beefing up your resume or your
fort or your engine or your makeup stash, it’s beefing up your heart and your
soul. And the interesting thing is,
inner strength – unlike outer strength – does not lead to the offensive or the defensive,
it leads to serenity. Finding this serenity,
practicing grace, is making to my list of new year’s resolutions.
I know someone who’s
always told me I am beautiful. I could
see it in the way he looks at me, how his tone changes as he speaks when his sight
catches mine. A tiny part of me feels
self-conscious when that happens, but mostly I’m learning to gracefully say “thank
you” rather than my usual “Really? But
my nostrils are particularly flary today!”
And really, that sincerity, that consistency in the way that he won’t
say “you look amazing tonight” then “is that what you’re wearing??!” the next,
plus having cultivated honesty and trust in our relationship, all lead me to
feel rather natural around him, around his words. Times change, and things change, and it’s not
quite the same now. But having had that
experience tells me that it is out there.
Someone who can see you and hear you as who you are, if you’re open to
it. Someone you can be nothing but you
with. Someone who helps you realize such
beauty. But wait a minute, why isn’t
that someone you already? Do you not see and hear yourself as you
are? Do you hide behind the curtains
even when you’re with you? Is it because
she is ever so critical and mean? Who
else could you be but yourself when you’re with you? Why can’t you realize beauty?
Borrowing the beautiful words
of spoken poet Shane Koyczan:
and if you can’t see anything beautiful about yourself
get a better mirror
look a little closer
stare a little longer
because there’s something inside you
that made you keep trying
despite everyone who told you to quit
So this Valentine’s Day, other than my usual (updated)
Sultry Valentine mix, I give you this:
You get to choo-choo-choose who you want to be, and what it means to be
you. I hope you choo-choo-choose you,
too.
Comments