The Crying Game
Two things came up in a relatively short conversation this evening over cigarettes in front of the pub. As with all conversations at your usual pubs with the usual crowd, topics are generally random. You talk about work a little, your relationships, music, movies, TV shows, commercials, history, trivia, and life - anything to kill time as you ease your mind at the end of the day. So I can't remember how it was brought up, but I said I don't have a lot of girl friends. Somehow, it doesn't usually work out. My best friend lives over 3,000 miles away, and she's a lesbian. Heck, I don't have a lot of friends, period. Then we talked about wearing high heels, and I said I used to wear them to work every day when I was a manager because I tend to hire men, and I felt more comfortable being of equal heights. The subtext was I avoided hiring women. Friend of mine (J) then asked what was wrong with hiring women, and I tried to justify what I've said, which turned out shitty anyway, and she said, "I don't like when women hate on women. It ain't cool."
I felt ashamed. I wasn't sure what others were thinking, but I know J would have been more offended than others - if others were offended - because of the things she's talked about before (discrimination, etc.), and she's rather passionate about such things. I didn't take it personally per-se, but it definitely got me thinking, especially when I put those 2 statements together. One of my shitty justifications was that women tend to be a bit more dramatic, and I didn't like that. That actually wasn't the first time I've said that openly - the first time I really shouldn't have because I said it to a woman who had just gotten hired as the director of food and beverage at my previous work establishment. Boy, wasn't that offensive. But to my point though, the director ended up leaving her position after a short month or two, and before she left, we had heard screaming in the general manager's office.
But who am I to judge? I am but a woman, too.
But that is perhaps precisely why I can say such a thing - it's like you can talk shit about your family but it's not cool when others do it. So I lack social skills. But I think I could be on to something.
Drama. Well, if that is the embodiment of how I view women, then I can see why I don't have a lot of female friends; those I have, are somewhat tomboyish. I mean, I'm drama, and I don't like myself very much.
But is it to say that men can't be drama?
Absolutely not. (And that just about explains why I don't have many friends, male or female.)
I came from a school of thought that boys (and men) don't cry. I understand if it's a funeral, but even then I'd appreciate a heroic, silent, one-tear-down-the-cheek kind of cry.
Alright. So I'm sexist.
That is no secret, however. I've always said I am anti-feministic because I blamed feminism for killing chivalry. I've always fantasized living in the 50's when in print ads, women wore pretty dresses and high heels when they vacuumed. Men brought flowers home, and opened doors. Now I have to feel guilty letting a man treat me out to coffee.
While women (very slowly) gained (little) power, men did just the same - they've (kind of) earned the right to cry.
I once watched a TEDTalk by Brene Brown on Vulnerability, and Brown talked about a book-signing event in which a man approached her. He commented on the fact that Brown's wonderful work was targeted at women, what about the men? Brown responded that she didn't study men. The man made a sarcastic comment, and said, "[...] my wife and three daughters, the ones who you just signed the books for, they had rather see me die on top of my white horse than have to watch me fall off."
Am I one of those women? Is my expectation for men (and women) unrealistic?
I've seen plenty of men cry. And although I would comfort them, I don't think I've ever learned to be comfortable around those tears. I mean, I don't even let myself cry in front of others. I remember getting my first speeding ticket on my way back from So Cal: I was exhausted. My girlfriend at the time, who didn't even know how to drive, had been asleep in the passenger seat for hours. I got pulled over not paying attention to the speed going down hill. We were close to getting on 101, which would have meant the drive was almost over. I rolled down the window, looked the officer in the eye, and didn't say much. I ate the ticket, and drove on. My girlfriend asked me if I was alright. I said yes, and she went back to sleep as I quietly weeped. Those tears of exhaustion could have worked to my benefit if I had shed them while the officer was issuing the ticket. But I held it in. It was stupid. But I couldn't help it. I'm not good with tears even when it comes to myself.
My roommate recently sent me this article Guys, It's Okay to Cry Now, and her only message besides the link was "hahahahha." I rolled my eyes, after which I wondered if I am just selfish. I don't know.
I think this is something I have to contemplate on further. But for now, here's what I can think of: I think and behave like a man sometimes. I am protective, straightforward, and quick to provide solutions (rather than listen). I get that way especially when I'm around other women. I could be extremely sensitive, but it tires me so. When I'm with men - especially my men - I rather be the object of protection. I can be tough on the outside and handle many things on my own (in fact, stay out of my kitchen and work space), but I like to be able to find comfort in knowing I can be completely unreasonable and it's sometimes okay. I can't let that guard down with sensitive men because I feel that I have to protect their feelings, too.
As a wrap-up, women are drama; men are, too. I have very few friends because apparently I don't like people very much.
(To be continued....)
I felt ashamed. I wasn't sure what others were thinking, but I know J would have been more offended than others - if others were offended - because of the things she's talked about before (discrimination, etc.), and she's rather passionate about such things. I didn't take it personally per-se, but it definitely got me thinking, especially when I put those 2 statements together. One of my shitty justifications was that women tend to be a bit more dramatic, and I didn't like that. That actually wasn't the first time I've said that openly - the first time I really shouldn't have because I said it to a woman who had just gotten hired as the director of food and beverage at my previous work establishment. Boy, wasn't that offensive. But to my point though, the director ended up leaving her position after a short month or two, and before she left, we had heard screaming in the general manager's office.
But who am I to judge? I am but a woman, too.
But that is perhaps precisely why I can say such a thing - it's like you can talk shit about your family but it's not cool when others do it. So I lack social skills. But I think I could be on to something.
Drama. Well, if that is the embodiment of how I view women, then I can see why I don't have a lot of female friends; those I have, are somewhat tomboyish. I mean, I'm drama, and I don't like myself very much.
But is it to say that men can't be drama?
Absolutely not. (And that just about explains why I don't have many friends, male or female.)
I came from a school of thought that boys (and men) don't cry. I understand if it's a funeral, but even then I'd appreciate a heroic, silent, one-tear-down-the-cheek kind of cry.
Alright. So I'm sexist.
That is no secret, however. I've always said I am anti-feministic because I blamed feminism for killing chivalry. I've always fantasized living in the 50's when in print ads, women wore pretty dresses and high heels when they vacuumed. Men brought flowers home, and opened doors. Now I have to feel guilty letting a man treat me out to coffee.
While women (very slowly) gained (little) power, men did just the same - they've (kind of) earned the right to cry.
I once watched a TEDTalk by Brene Brown on Vulnerability, and Brown talked about a book-signing event in which a man approached her. He commented on the fact that Brown's wonderful work was targeted at women, what about the men? Brown responded that she didn't study men. The man made a sarcastic comment, and said, "[...] my wife and three daughters, the ones who you just signed the books for, they had rather see me die on top of my white horse than have to watch me fall off."
Am I one of those women? Is my expectation for men (and women) unrealistic?
I've seen plenty of men cry. And although I would comfort them, I don't think I've ever learned to be comfortable around those tears. I mean, I don't even let myself cry in front of others. I remember getting my first speeding ticket on my way back from So Cal: I was exhausted. My girlfriend at the time, who didn't even know how to drive, had been asleep in the passenger seat for hours. I got pulled over not paying attention to the speed going down hill. We were close to getting on 101, which would have meant the drive was almost over. I rolled down the window, looked the officer in the eye, and didn't say much. I ate the ticket, and drove on. My girlfriend asked me if I was alright. I said yes, and she went back to sleep as I quietly weeped. Those tears of exhaustion could have worked to my benefit if I had shed them while the officer was issuing the ticket. But I held it in. It was stupid. But I couldn't help it. I'm not good with tears even when it comes to myself.
My roommate recently sent me this article Guys, It's Okay to Cry Now, and her only message besides the link was "hahahahha." I rolled my eyes, after which I wondered if I am just selfish. I don't know.
I think this is something I have to contemplate on further. But for now, here's what I can think of: I think and behave like a man sometimes. I am protective, straightforward, and quick to provide solutions (rather than listen). I get that way especially when I'm around other women. I could be extremely sensitive, but it tires me so. When I'm with men - especially my men - I rather be the object of protection. I can be tough on the outside and handle many things on my own (in fact, stay out of my kitchen and work space), but I like to be able to find comfort in knowing I can be completely unreasonable and it's sometimes okay. I can't let that guard down with sensitive men because I feel that I have to protect their feelings, too.
As a wrap-up, women are drama; men are, too. I have very few friends because apparently I don't like people very much.
(To be continued....)
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