Letting You Go
Every night I pull into the driveway, I still secretly hope to see your car.
I take a quick glance to my right, against the fence at the corner you usually park.
As if it were an instinct.
Every time a car drives past the apartment, I still have to mentally stop myself from checking the windows for you.
I know what your car sounds like. But maybe, just this one time, I'm wrong.
It's foolish. You've never done that before. Why would you do that now?
But I am constantly preparing myself for a surprise.
I even imagine telling you that you can't park your car in the lot now. A week after the break-up, the landlord had emailed, like some sick joke, to tell me I am not allowed to have my guests park against the fence.
Perhaps this is how I long: I imagine. I fantasize.
Do you know that the faculties we use for imagination in our brains are the same ones we use in our everyday perceptions? Scientists claim that imagination or fantasy, therefore, is vital to making the world better (hitRECord, S1E2).
I doubt such fantasy of you is making my world better.
Or yours.
Or anyone's.
I simply miss you a little more than I can bear.
I thought I've allowed myself to experience this grief - to feel the loss.
But judging from the fact that I have been dreaming about you every night, waking up confused, or sad...
And if dreaming is my conscious and subconscious mind taking a dump,
there is yet a lot to let go.
I was never one for surprises.
Perhaps the constant anticipation for one is the first thing I need to let go of.
I take a quick glance to my right, against the fence at the corner you usually park.
As if it were an instinct.
Every time a car drives past the apartment, I still have to mentally stop myself from checking the windows for you.
I know what your car sounds like. But maybe, just this one time, I'm wrong.
It's foolish. You've never done that before. Why would you do that now?
But I am constantly preparing myself for a surprise.
I even imagine telling you that you can't park your car in the lot now. A week after the break-up, the landlord had emailed, like some sick joke, to tell me I am not allowed to have my guests park against the fence.
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| You Are Not Alone |
Perhaps this is how I long: I imagine. I fantasize.
Do you know that the faculties we use for imagination in our brains are the same ones we use in our everyday perceptions? Scientists claim that imagination or fantasy, therefore, is vital to making the world better (hitRECord, S1E2).
I doubt such fantasy of you is making my world better.
Or yours.
Or anyone's.
I simply miss you a little more than I can bear.
I thought I've allowed myself to experience this grief - to feel the loss.
But judging from the fact that I have been dreaming about you every night, waking up confused, or sad...
And if dreaming is my conscious and subconscious mind taking a dump,
there is yet a lot to let go.
I was never one for surprises.
Perhaps the constant anticipation for one is the first thing I need to let go of.
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