Saudade

I miss him day and night.  More so at night.  That’s when it gets a little heavier.  Though all in all, it hasn’t been as heavy as it would during a breakup.  I wonder if this was me controlling my emotions, or I have just gotten better.  I want to say it’s progress – that I have grown mentally, emotionally, perhaps even spiritually.  You see, the difference is this doesn’t feel burdened by guilt or shame, remorse or regret, resentment or anger.  It all seems quite pure and simple.  I remember the good; I don’t discount the bad, but I’m not angry about them either.  If anything, there’s a “well, that’s a pity” sort of feeling to it.  I’ve been feeling this way about negative things lately.  I’ll be down for a little bit, going with the usual “I could have done better,” but at the end can kind of say to myself “too bad; no biggie.”  I wouldn’t say the loss of another relationship, especially at this point of my life, is no biggie.  Then again, it isn’t the end of the world.  Maybe part of me is coping by focusing on the good that has happened:  It was an experience.  I loved  a lot of things about J.  And I learned a lot.  For example, J showed me that the kind of love I’ve yearned for was all very possible.  He just wasn’t available.  Perhaps I am fooling myself, but here’s to hope.  *clink

What’s more was that in the process of writing “Shoulda Coulda Woulda” (and reading something else beforehand that I can’t quite put a finger on at the moment), I started to see the angst that was present while having been so idealistic.  Idealistic in a sense that there was always a set of conditions I was trying to meet or reach in every situation, and it was entirely life-sucking.  For example, I would like to have my own family someday – a great husband who exemplified a list of certain qualities, and children who embodied some such qualities.  It’s about keeping one foot in the past and one foot in the future, each going the opposite direction.

It was nerve-wrecking, let alone exhausting.

So what if my life could be great with or without someone else?  What if Tracy McMillan was right, that the only person I can't live without is me.  Interestingly, I think if I could truly believe that, the rest would probably follow.

Back to the Future

So what exactly is this feeling of missing someone if not terrible?  Of course, I had to Google it.  The word is saudade:

Wikipedia

And what do I do when I experience such a feeling?  Well, I think of emotion as energy.  According to Einstein:  “Energy cannot be created or destroyed, it can only be changed from one form to another.”  Some energy can dissipate into its surroundings (like heat), some needs to be transferred, but no energy is ever lost.  So I made up a list of things I could do when I miss him, and I started to read Catcher in the Rye.  I’m only onto chapter three, but it’s really fascinating.  I have no idea what direction the story is going.  I didn’t know what it was about to begin with.  All I know is JD Salinger’s stories are a bit dark and cynical, and Catcher is J’s favorite book.  After having lunch at the picnic table, I sat in my car, nice and warm in the winter sun, and read.  If my lunch break wasn’t so short, I swear I could have sat there and read the whole dam thing.

See?  All better.