i'm sorry for my selfishness

At one of my most disheartened moments,
a thought occured.
It was a thought I never had,
and one I never saw coming.
For once I wished my parents would have stayed together for their children.
For my brother and I.
Even if that meant they would have to live with one another without love.
At least through the times I needed them.
Though they were never really there to begin with.
Parts of my memory were repressed.
And I am getting more frightened as the images revealed.
Like going through an old diary,
or finding a case of old photos,
and as you flipped through those yellowed pages, dusted off the cobwebs,
suddenly some things became clear,
things that you didn't want to know or recall,
Paper cuts through the soul.
Then you wake up in cold sweat,
to find yourself suffocating,
drowning.
I know my problems are minute compared to what others have encountered.
And I have absolutely no right to cry like a little bitch.
So I keep my mouth shut,
and try to put on the biggest smile I can.
I live my life like all others.
Pop two pills every night and call it a day.
I am not permitted to give up.
I should be ashamed of myself.
But lift your head up, girl. You are tough enough.
You have a strong will, motivation and drive.
All the problems can be easily solved.
You will find love as it will eventually find you.
What's in the past is history, and what's in the future is unknown.
Take life one day at a time. And don't forget to breathe.
You shouldn't feel tired.
You shouldn't be lazy.
"Not everyone has a sob story, and if they do, it is no excuse."
...

My legs are sore.
My fingers are numb.
My eyelids are heavy.
My head is pounding.
My heart aches.

I think, I'm going to need a really long nap.