Holiday Sap
Sometimes we could be so unhappy and not know it. Subconsciously, we want out, but the notion of losing something is overwhelming, we tend not to see the gain, and avoid the pain. When we know we want out, we either strategize around damage control, or do it so hotheadedly without considering any after effect. Either way, when it actually happens, we always second guess ourselves. Because we miss it. Because we don't know if it would get better or worse. Because whatever it was, will cease to exist.
That is similar to my perception of death as a child. I didn't understand pain and suffering, especially for those who live. The way I understood life and death is simply to be or not to be. You exist, and then you don't. Love is like that. It's there, and then it isn't. The pain and suffering stays with those who linger, and the rest is history. You never quite know when love happens. Like hiccup. You never quite know how to make it stop. And then before you know it, it's over. Like it had never happened before.
To be, or not to be.
When it ends we try to salvage whatever sentiment is left. Love is an addicition. You remember the high, and you want more. Most relationships end cold turkey, and there really isn't any other way around it. All the bad parts of the relationship still make you mad, but you might just go for one last fuck, hug, kiss or a simple touch. It's hard to fight something you've loved so much.
But if you come clean, that too, would come to pass. And then it's like this pathetic little tale not worth mentioning. You might even think it was not worth your time at all. There are great relationships we learn and take from, and then there are those you look back, and ask yourself, "What the hell was I thinking?"
Come to think about all my past relationships, some of them have become so insignificant that I could barely recall what it was like, yet I've spent significant time and energy in each one of them. I used to say I have no regrets. Now I think that was a cocky thing to say because I was young, and have taken time for granted.
Learning from the past I don't want to waste any more of my emotions. Yet the season has me itching for a touch. "I'm falling apart, and have no strength to run." But I'll put up a front and tread lightly, because I think this time, I've really had enough.
That is similar to my perception of death as a child. I didn't understand pain and suffering, especially for those who live. The way I understood life and death is simply to be or not to be. You exist, and then you don't. Love is like that. It's there, and then it isn't. The pain and suffering stays with those who linger, and the rest is history. You never quite know when love happens. Like hiccup. You never quite know how to make it stop. And then before you know it, it's over. Like it had never happened before.
To be, or not to be.
When it ends we try to salvage whatever sentiment is left. Love is an addicition. You remember the high, and you want more. Most relationships end cold turkey, and there really isn't any other way around it. All the bad parts of the relationship still make you mad, but you might just go for one last fuck, hug, kiss or a simple touch. It's hard to fight something you've loved so much.
But if you come clean, that too, would come to pass. And then it's like this pathetic little tale not worth mentioning. You might even think it was not worth your time at all. There are great relationships we learn and take from, and then there are those you look back, and ask yourself, "What the hell was I thinking?"
Come to think about all my past relationships, some of them have become so insignificant that I could barely recall what it was like, yet I've spent significant time and energy in each one of them. I used to say I have no regrets. Now I think that was a cocky thing to say because I was young, and have taken time for granted.
Learning from the past I don't want to waste any more of my emotions. Yet the season has me itching for a touch. "I'm falling apart, and have no strength to run." But I'll put up a front and tread lightly, because I think this time, I've really had enough.
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