Alternating Sense of Reality

Sometimes I just don't know where to go.
The idea of freedom is... confusing.
Most of the time I wish I could be somewhere, but I couldn't leave.
Now, say, I've got all the time in the world, yet all I do is stand still.
It is as if should I take a turn I would fall.
So I stand still.
Very still.
And I feel stuck again.

Maybe if you can't have it all, it's not worth having anything.

That's a greedy thought.

A positive note comes to mind:
Life is not about having the best things,
but making the best of everything.

I wonder what I have.

I am very fortunate indeed.

So why the troubled nights?

Do I feel inadequate?
Or do I want more?

Perhaps I possess the power to change the world.

Perhaps I am waiting for someone to change mine.

I've got so much to give.
But I've also got this sense that I deserve so much.

But deserve is a funny word.
I could never quite grasp it.
Deserving something ought to mean you've done something, and in return you should receive.
It's a balancing thing.
So if I say I deserve so much more,
I should ask myself - what have I done?
People who love me often tell me not to settle for less.
But I can't even say what I've done to earn their love.

At a very young age, I knew nothing could be taken for granted.
Love, respect, happiness - anything.
But what comes first?
Does someone have to earn my attention and affection before I give back?
For those I have shown kindness to, and such kindness was never returned, when do I stop to care?
For those who have tirelessly brought me comfort, what do they deserve?

I don't understand love.

I thought I did.
But I don't.

I thought love was everywhere,
like colorful butterflies over flower beds in the meadow.
One can't always catch one, but they're there.

But love is a thought, less an emotion.

I had some strange dreams last night.
I was chased, though I seemed to be running after something as well.
I was anxious.
My reality shifted between the frightfulness of being caught,
and the gainfulness of the pursuit.
I didn't know what entity was behind me.
I didn't know what I was after.
And it was tiring.
Almost to a point where I thought I should give up and become the captive.
At least then I would have the excuse to say there was nothing I could do.
I didn't know if I caught up to what I was going after if it would make me happy,
if it would make me feel safe.
It was almost not worth chasing after.

What is worth the chase?
When do you know when to try,
when to try harder,
and when it is enough?