The Wrong Kind of Self-Preservation

As a generalization, it seems true that people are either seeking another just like them, or their exact opposite.  I think it speaks to how happy or confident the person is.  The rationalization is that those who are happy and/or confident believes in and enjoy what they do.  For them, it's about finding the right partner who understands their passion and to share common values, interests and activities - someone to pursue their goals with.  On the flip side, folks who are less content may find opposites more attractive, as it presents an opportunity to escape their fate.  For them, its about finding someone who could compensate or counter-balance - someone to complete them.  And then there are those of us who are somewhere in the middle.  We have our beliefs, and we have our doubts.  We are confident but unsure.  We think life is good, but it could always get better or worse.  We want to conquer the world, at the same time so intimidated by it because it holds all the answers when we know so little.  I say "we" - I am most definitely in the grey.  More often I had fallen for people who were unlike me; fifteen years later, I'm still here, with no one to either pursue my goals with or complete me.



I dig deeper and I start to realize the problem is that I'm confident in a sense that I believe I am genuinely kind and good, intelligent, gifted in many ways and beautiful, but I don't like myself very much.  I could probably pin this on my upbringing, but it won't do me any good.  I keep trying to find someone who would accept me when I never looked to accept my flaws.  I feel I deserve better when I don't measure up.


That explains why I keep falling for the wrong men.  At this rate I might as well relegate to becoming a spinster.  I can name a million qualities I want to find in "The One."  But it really doesn't matter because as e would say I've got to learn how to behave like I deserve these things (might have twisted your words a little).  The problem is I've been conditioned to think for others.  It's only within recent years I started to take into consideration my best interest.  Now I'm faced with a decision what to do with my future.  And it is so hard to commit because for once I can't say I have to do this because it would make someone else happy - sadly, that notion has always been my easy way out.  I have an option to ditch this god-awful excuse of a job and go to Korean for 6 months to a year to learn another language and culture.  Korea isn't the place I had in mind to do my soul-searching, but it gets me out of my comfort zone, and perhaps things would quiet down a bit.  If I was younger, I probably would have taken this opportunity in a heartbeat.  Now I feel a bit weighed down, and I'm not sure what it is.  At some point I must have tied an anchor to my ankles.  When you're in deep waters drowning for so long you become afraid of land and light.


Friend of mine e-mailed me and imparted a quote: "You start living when you do things that scare you."  She added, "Living in uncertainty can be fun and great, too" with an  :-)  to end the sentence with.  Truth is, everything I do or don't scares the shit out of me.  I don't know of many certainties in life, and tend to bank on the worse.  Now I need to switch modes and think what have I got to lose?  What's the worst that can happen?  Tuna said if I hated it, then come home. "This is what you will do," she said.




"I suppose so."